Process

So i went to LA this past week... and God tested my patience- for sure - with people on the trip with me. He also tested me.
DO YOU REALLY WANT ME is all i kept hearing...
James and Heather told me it was going to be hard if I didn't change... and i thought that the change was going to be a lot easier than it actually is.
DO YOU REALLY WANT ME...
its funny how i seem to go along with everything everyone else tells me, but when it comes to God- it's a little more difficult.
But... "thinning" out my life became easier than i thought it would- so now all i have to do is refocus it. Refocus to God.
i need to get the friends... the boys... the people out of my life that really don't care about me. That treat me like crap- that i can't stand to be be around. That I give and give and give to but get absolutely nothing but dirt back. those people need to leave me- because in the end, it's just causing me to think less of myself and putting extra stress in my life that doesn't need to be there.
I need to know what i can do and what God can do... or rather, what i'm going to do and what God can do. I'm going to college in the fall- i'm going to get a degree in something... Only God knows what and when and how. I'm just going to do it.
I need to treat God like the God of my life instead of the ... nothingness I've been treating him like.
Then, everything else should fall into place, right? The man i'm supposed to be with and the best friend and the career and the life and the mission and the calling should all be clear. Somewhat.
I took the first step in getting closer to God... then what should be so hard about the other steps?

It took a whole week to figure this all out. In LA and working in Compton just stretched me. Emotionally and Spiritually. I felt out of place all week in our "Team". I felt horrible because I didn't feel as spiritually grown as the rest of our group. I feel fake ... and dead and SCARED out of my mind because I think God is going to leave me- and i can't handle him leaving me. After everything i've put him through.. and i'm only eighteen years old. there's so many more years that I'm going to live through, and i want those years to be the best for me and God... Truely.

So that's what's happened to me after going to LA and Compton...

Ever wonder if you should go on a mission trip? I'd advise it.

So I'm graduated. And it's pretty stinkin' exciting... except for the fact that i'm scared out of my mind to go to college. But i suppose that's a minor detail.

I'm just scared about the future and what's going to happen and what kinda of choices are going to be in my path... and what i'm going to choose. I'm a little hesistant to even go to college, even though people are telling me it'll be amazing... and so will the boys there. ha. That's humorous. Of course i'll need something to fill my time with after classes... because who studies? Ha. that's another funny one. I'll need to study for the first time in my life to make the grades to KEEP me in college.

oh yea, and classes don't start until the end of september! WOOHOO!